Every child seeks adult approval. When effort goes unnoticed, children call attention to it themselves ("Look how strong I am!", "I can write my name!"). This isn't bragging; children need positive reinforcement to build self-respect and a positive self-image, and parents' response is key. A child who doesn't get recognition takes one of three paths, each with a cost:
- Building defenses: finding ways to cover up feelings of inadequacy.
- Submission: accepting the inadequacy, the start of a life of self-erasure.
- Escape: retreating into fantasy to offset rejection, usually a last resort after trying defenses.
Defenses
Defenses protect against fear, anxiety and feeling incapable. Examples: Anita constantly tattles on her siblings and talks up her own good behavior; Luisito always has to prove he's strongest; Carina talks nonstop to be noticed. All three are covering a hidden sense of being bad, unlovable or worthless, and parents should ask how they may have given their child that idea. The author calls this hidden low self-worth the core of neurosis, which she describes as a scar formed around a psychological wound. A child with healthy self-respect doesn't need defenses.
Maritza, eight, hides feeling useless, weak and clumsy behind being loud, bossy and domineering. Scolding and punishment won't fix it; parents need to see what the behavior conceals. Taking up a sport she enjoys could prove to her that she's capable and remove the need to overcompensate. Without a constructive outlet, the defense backfires: others reject her, her self-esteem drops further, schoolwork suffers as acceptance becomes her priority, and later she may seek belonging through a gang or attention-seeking behavior.
The perfect front
Some children defend themselves by keeping up appearances. Roxana's parents valued her only when she was kind, studious and sensible, so she learned to hide anger, frustration, jealousy and anxiety and play the "good girl." Her energy went into seeming rather than being, her potential went undeveloped, and she became a dissatisfied adult cut off from her own emotions. Anyone who builds a false self condemns themselves to having others respond to the mask instead of the real person.
Susana grew up in a fun-loving family and learned to be "the life of the party" to win approval. The loneliness behind the mask drained her, and by adulthood she was frequently bedridden with illnesses. Starting therapy at 45, she accepted her true quiet, reflective nature and found that friends and family still cared for her as she really was. The author's point: examining old childhood patterns shows that these masks are no longer needed to survive, and authenticity draws people in. She adds that people who can't bear to be seen without makeup or with an untidy house are often hiding an inner self they believe isn't good enough.
Submission
A child who can't build adequate defenses submits. Josefina's parents found fault with almost everything she did; her domineering father showed contempt for women and her mother was treated like a doormat. She grew up believing she deserved no respect and, as an adult, ended up with a man who mistreated her and reminded her daily how little she was worth. Through therapy, she broke the pattern and recovered her sense of worth.