Parents often bring a child to therapy as if dropping off a broken radio to be fixed, but evaluation often shows the problem lies in the family, especially the parents' relationship.
A case. María brings her four-year-old Jorgito because he won't obey; she ends up yelling or repeating herself, and he shouts back and threatens to tell his father she hit him. When her husband gets home, Jorgito tells his version, the husband accuses María of impatience, overturns her punishments, and in front of the children threatens to take them to be raised by his mother. María feels powerless and unloved by her son, and the younger child is following his brother's lead. Told that she and her husband are the ones who need therapy, she's surprised: if only Jorgito obeyed, she says, they wouldn't have problems.
What's really happening. The father undermines the mother's authority, and the message the boys receive through his actions is: don't listen to your mother, only my word counts. Boys between about three and five are forming their gender identity and see their father as a hero to copy, so if he belittles their mother, they learn to do the same, and a pattern forms in which women's words have no value. The parents need to agree on limits and consequences and present a united front; if María takes away TV for skipped homework, the father should back her. Jorgito's threat to "tell Dad" works, so he'll keep using it until his father changes.
Responsibility is shared. The father undermines her, but María, insecure and with low self-esteem, complains without acting to change things. They need couples therapy to learn to communicate, listen and respect each other, and the children's respect for their mother will follow.
Children copy the parents' relationship
An aggressive child has often seen aggression between parents. Children learn to listen, or not, and to value or belittle others by watching how their parents treat each other. A power struggle between parents produces a manipulative child. The ideal is shared authority with harmony, dialogue, respect and tolerance; if that's missing, don't blame the child, who is only an effect. Couples therapy can prevent years of pain, sometimes a divorce, and serious harm to children.
On therapy. The author notes that many Latino families have inherited a reluctance to seek therapy. Just as we see a dentist for a toothache, she argues, we should see a psychologist when the soul hurts; therapy has nothing to do with being crazy. It's a process of growth and learning to solve problems and face jealousy, insecurity and fear. Don't wait until it's too late, and don't keep blaming others instead of changing yourself.