Changing behavior without damaging the child is a major challenge. The first step is to choose which behaviors to work on, starting with the most aggressive or disruptive ones, since those cause the most relationship problems and hurt the child's self-esteem.
A checklist. The author offers a list of common problem behaviors for parents to mark and prioritize, among them hitting, screaming tantrums, mocking others, throwing things, talking back, grabbing toys, breaking things on purpose, kicking, biting, hair-pulling, spitting, constant interrupting, hurting animals, damaging property, picking fights, demanding things immediately, constant complaining, disobedience, bad language, rude gestures, demanding purchases on every outing, using tears and anger as pressure, lying, refusing to help and making annoying noises. Only repeated behaviors should be targeted; for occasional ones, find out what motivated the child and clearly say it shouldn't happen again.
Ignoring inappropriate behavior
The simplest technique is to withdraw attention from the unwanted behavior, ideally before it becomes an ingrained habit. Many children discover that negative behavior earns more attention than good behavior. If parents give equal attention to both, nothing changes, so attention should go mainly to positive actions, and even small improvements should be noticed and praised. She compares it to getting compliments on a new haircut: we keep doing what earns approval. Rewards should be affection (warm words, hugs), not material gifts.
Parents should expect the behavior to get worse before it gets better: a child who isn't getting attention will scream louder. She recommends preparing with self-talk ("When Toni doesn't get my attention he'll cry harder; if I react now, I only teach him how loud he must scream"). Eventually the child gives up, calms down, falls asleep or starts playing.
Time Out
Time Out means briefly removing the child from all stimulation so they pause and reflect. For example, a child who hits a sibling after being warned is sent to a boring spot (their room or the bathroom) for about one minute per year of age. Key rules:
- Send the child immediately, in under ten words and ten seconds, so it is a direct consequence.
- No one talks to or plays with the child; no TV, radio or toys. Boredom is the point; reading a story defeats it.
- Use a kitchen timer or alarm so an object, not the parent, keeps time.
- Never lock the child in or use a dark or poorly ventilated space.
- Afterward, ask the child why they were sent there, so they connect the consequence to the action.
- Use it for one specific target behavior (it works best for aggressive or impulsive acts), not for everything.