Parents often tell children jealousy is wrong and shouldn't be felt, but lectures don't make it go away; they just leave jealous children feeling guilty and less worthy.
What jealousy tells us
Jealousy arises when we feel at a disadvantage, whether in ability, confidence, success, money or status. Someone who feels secure in the areas they care about doesn't feel it. Jealousy toward a loved one can mean "I feel left out," "I'm afraid you won't come back," or "You could find someone better." Whether the disadvantage is real or imagined, the feeling is real.
Why children feel jealous
Every child longs for exclusive love and attention from their parents. The author compares siblings to rival wives in a polygamous household, each maneuvering to be the favorite. José Luis, watching his mother care for a newborn, develops stomachaches, night fears, bedwetting and wants a bottle again. María sees her sister finish homework quickly and still get better grades, and responds by damaging her sister's notebooks. María doesn't try to match her sister because she feels she can't; it's low self-esteem. Telling her to stop won't help. Raising her self-esteem, addressing whatever she struggles with, and getting professional help if needed will. Children get along better with siblings when they like themselves.
Self-respecting children are less jealous
- Develop each child's own interests and talents rather than signing everyone up for the same class or buying everyone the same thing; give each what they actually need.
- Give each child one-on-one time, even a few minutes at bedtime or taking turns going to the store with mom.
- Parents rarely feel exactly the same toward every child, but a consistent favorite sets up jealousy. If you prefer one child, look inward: does the other have traits you dislike (often traits we reject in ourselves) or that remind you of your own parents?
- Watch for built-in unfairness, such as turning the eldest daughter into a junior mother with more responsibilities than her siblings.
- Never compare. "Why can't you study like your sister?" makes a child feel inferior rather than motivated. Imagine a boss praising a coworker to you this way; you'd probably resent the coworker.
How to defuse jealousy
Encourage the child to express it, in words, drawings, painting, music or clay, to someone who understands rather than dismisses it. Feelings don't yield to logic or orders. The author contrasts two fathers. When José complains that his parents love his little brother more, one father lists all the things he does for José and tells him to stop, which tells José his feelings are invalid. The better response reflects the feeling ("Sounds like you feel left out"), listens as José explains he resents the bedtime stories his brother gets, avoids arguing with logic, and then offers something age-appropriate: special time alone together, playing checkers after the little one is asleep. José goes to bed happy, no longer feeling his father only cares for his brother.
Signs of jealousy
Children rarely say "I'm jealous." Instead they regress (bedwetting, thumb-sucking, baby behavior), demand more toys, clothes or time, turn the TV up loudly when mom helps a sibling, clown around, break things on purpose, get sick often or become moody. Look for the root cause instead of punishing the signs; suppressed jealousy just finds another outlet, and anyone who has felt it knows how painful it is.