Parents want siblings to get along, but pushing too hard can backfire. A mother describes her eight-year-old constantly calling his six-year-old brother an idiot, while the six-year-old breaks his brother's things and blames the youngest. The older one is jealous and puts his brother down; the younger one retaliates.
Don't hunt for the culprit
In a fight between two, both share responsibility. Asking who started it just leads each child to blame the other and bend the truth. Don't take sides; work with each child separately. With the jealous older child, highlight the advantages of being oldest, offer some privileges, and talk without blaming ("How would you feel if someone always called you stupid? It hurts your brother, and I know you love him"). Let him express negative feelings without being told they're wrong, which would only make him feel like the bad one. Reinforce positive feelings and give less weight to negative ones, since what gets energy gets reinforced. With the younger child, show him he isn't stupid, praise what he does well, express confidence in him, and let him voice his feelings too.
Expressed feelings lose force; bottled-up ones become a time bomb. "I hate José, he always takes my toys!" isn't real hatred but momentary anger and hurt, and it's better said aloud.
Rules for intervening
Generally stay out of fights. If called in, say you weren't there and they must work it out, but that the family rule is no one hurts anyone. If that rule is broken, give both children a calm consequence (no Sunday outing, no TV for two days) rather than yelling, hitting or threats.
Words hurt more than blows. The no-harm rule covers verbal cruelty too; siblings know exactly what will wound. Parents must model this in their own marriage: you can't forbid insults while insulting your spouse. Children should see parents solve problems by talking, not by yelling, attacking, or staying silent, since unresolved problems eventually explode.
Sibling conflicts are practice for adult disagreements. Help children express feelings and understand the other side (your brother won't lend you his toy plane because you've broken two; tell him you'll be careful), but let them do the negotiating.
Key attitudes
- Encourage children to find their own solutions.
- Don't take sides or defend one child; the other will feel less loved and resentment will surface later.
- Don't act as referee, or they'll never learn to resolve conflicts.
- Never allow physical or verbal abuse; step in and require respect.
- Your example is more powerful than lectures.
- Encourage communication and expressing feelings.