Sex education isn't just explaining the mechanics, which any book or brief talk can cover. What really shapes how young people handle sexuality are their attitudes toward sex and toward themselves, and teaching those attitudes, along with respect for sexuality and for oneself, begins in infancy.
Why is it so hard to talk about?
Centuries-old beliefs that sex is dirty or sinful still linger, and most parents grew up in homes where it was never discussed, so they have no model to follow. In the 15th and 16th centuries, sex was considered acceptable only for reproduction, and pleasure, especially for women, was seen as immoral. Today's over-exposure of sex is, in the author's view, a pendulum swing from that repression. Sex deserves a respectful middle ground: neither hidden nor flaunted, tied to love, responsibility and commitment, and never used to control others or in self-destructive ways.
Sex and love
The author cites studies in which monkeys raised apart from their mothers showed little interest in mating as adults, and females rejected their offspring, as evidence that adult sexuality is shaped by early experiences of tenderness and touch. To give love, a person must first receive it. Every time parents hold, rock, bathe or feed a baby, they are teaching the baby to receive love and to enjoy physical closeness; sex education starts there. Trust, self-esteem and attention without judgment teach communication, intimacy and commitment. A child rebuffed when seeking closeness may later find intimacy risky and prefer purely physical contact.
Repressed emotions. Children whose feelings are shut down ("Don't cry," "Don't say what you feel") or who silently absorb parental fighting or abuse may, in adolescence, use sex as an outlet for those emotions. Couples who avoid conflict may also act it out sexually; she describes a man who unconsciously "took revenge" on his wife this way. Parents who resolve problems through open conversation and let children express emotions are giving positive sex education.
Identifying with one's sex
Nothing is more devastating to a child than feeling their sex makes them "less." Parents should never show a preference for boys or girls, and a parent who resents a child's sex should look inward and actively work to correct it. The author illustrates this with a case of a father who wanted a son and called his daughter "my little boy."
Note: In that case, the author attributes the daughter's later sexual orientation to her father's attitude. That reflects views held by some clinicians when the book was written; current psychological research doesn't support the idea that parenting causes a child's sexual orientation. Her broader point, that rejecting a child's sex harms their self-esteem, stands on its own.
Attitudes toward sex
The author argues that a boy excessively dominated by his mother may later use sex to control women, and that girls who lacked affection may seek it through sexual relationships, while a girl with a controlling father may try to control men in turn, or use sex to obtain the affection and security she missed.
Talking with children
- When sex is taboo, children satisfy their curiosity through friends, pornography or videos that distort healthy sexuality. Books or videos from the library can help parents start the conversation.
- Conversations should start at 3–4, when children ask where babies come from. Curiosity about body differences and "doctor" games at that age are normal; answered calmly, the curiosity is usually satisfied. Excessive preoccupation is a reason to consult a professional.
- Answer naturally, like any other topic. Evasions ("Ask your father," "You're too young"), discomfort, anger or laughter teach the child not to ask, and they'll look elsewhere.
- The author cites statistics that children who get good sex education at home start sexual activity later, and that teens lacking affection and communication at home may seek closeness through relationships.
- Protection: children who are sexually abused are usually abused by someone they know, and often accept inappropriate touching because no one told them it isn't acceptable from anyone, then hide it out of fear. Talking openly about sexuality is the best protection.