Nicknames and teasing ("four-eyes," mocking a heavier child, calling a studious one a "nerd") are everyday school life. Occasional teasing is part of how children practice verbal skills, release energy without fighting, test each other and define who belongs. The problem is that children don't realize how much they can hurt, and the target isn't yet able to shrug it off.
Persistent teasing can damage self-esteem and lead to school refusal, invented stomachaches and even real illness, hurting school performance and future relationships. A child ashamed of themselves can't express themselves freely or develop their abilities.
Who gets teased?
Some children are magnets for teasing: very sensitive ones, or those who react dramatically by crying, hiding or chasing the teasers. A child teased repeatedly may struggle to socialize with peers, and parents should honestly consider whether the child is emotionally immature or overprotected; therapy can help an immature child catch up. Children with low self-esteem unconsciously attract teasing. Kids quickly sense who will react and repeat what works, and others join in, so the target feels attacked by a group.
What parents should do
- Comfort first. Let the child express anger and hurt. Don't say it doesn't matter, and don't just say "ignore them"; silence can encourage teasers.
- Teach effective responses, not fighting. Explain that violence solves nothing. Practice at home in a safe setting, for example a family game of playful nicknames, so the child learns to come up with a witty comeback and sees that a nickname isn't the end of the world.
- Build compensating strengths. A child teased for big ears or extra weight who tells great jokes, does magic tricks or excels at basketball earns respect and feels proud.
- Don't be their lawyer in ordinary peer conflicts; they need to learn to handle these. But if a child becomes a group's scapegoat or a bully's target, step in and talk to teachers or the other child's parents, after first giving the child a chance to handle it.
- Don't blame them ("I told you they'd tease you if you cried at school"), belittle them for not defending themselves, or compare them with a child who does.
Laugh with them, not at them
Model taking teasing lightly. One mother invited her six-year-old to tease her about messy hair, and it became a cheerful game in which she laughed and answered with something funny. Laughing with children is fine; laughing at them is off-limits. Sarcastic comments about one's own children can hurt badly, so back off when a child's face says "enough." Take reports of teasing seriously, as they can signal low self-esteem or emotional immaturity, which can lead to learning, adjustment and social problems. The author says therapy can help children overcome these.