The way parents relate to children shapes how those children will relate emotionally as adults. The author illustrates this with three adult clients:
- José, 28, falls hard for each new partner and then, within months, becomes bored and irritated by small things (slow callbacks, a gift he considered cheap) and ends it. He didn't notice that his girlfriend had spent days planning his birthday party.
- Andrés, 32, is drawn only to women who are unavailable (married, long-term partners, living far away) and self-absorbed. Warm, affectionate women don't interest him. Each relationship ends in frustration and depression.
- Marisa, 42, is a warm, nurturing mother married to a cold, work-absorbed husband who withdraws to his computer. Her whole life revolves around her daughter, and she keeps hoping he'll change.
Emotional deprivation
All three suffer from what the author calls emotional deprivation: a chronic sense that something is missing, that no one listens or cares. Some people with it demand too much and are never satisfied; others choose partners who they "know" can't give them what they need. It begins in early childhood, when a child feels there's no one there for them.
Where it starts. The author locates its origin mainly in the relationship with the mother or main caregiver, which becomes the template for later intimate relationships. It can arise when a mother is cold or distant; when the child doesn't feel loved, valued and special; when the mother gives little time or attention or misses the child's physical and emotional needs; or when the child is left with relatives for long periods. Large families, an exhausted working mother, or a depressed mother can all leave a child feeling "my mother isn't here for me."
The clients' childhoods. José's young single mother was constantly getting ready to go out and told him to take care of himself. Marisa's mother kept her close but treated her as an extension of herself, dressing her like a doll to show off and then ignoring her; Marisa later married a wealthy man as her mother wished. Andrés had every material advantage, but his mother, a television personality, was absorbed in her career and appearance and struggled to show affection. As an adult he kept seeking love from women who, like her, couldn't give it.
Many emotionally deprived adults insist their childhood was normal and they had everything they needed, because missing emotional nourishment is hard to see.
Prevention
Really listen to children, even when it seems unimportant. Turn off the TV or stop what you're doing, look them in the eye, ask how they feel about things, hug them, do activities together, and show them they can always count on you.
Note: The chapter places the origin of emotional deprivation almost entirely on mothers, reflecting the attachment theory framing of the time. Today the same ideas are usually applied to any primary caregiver, and fathers' roles are given equal weight.