Most children feel envy at some point. It comes naturally from comparing ourselves with others and wanting what we don't have, so children shouldn't be shamed, mocked or punished for it. The author distinguishes positive envy (admiration and wanting to be like someone) from negative envy, which hurts relationships, breeds bitterness and can lead to trying to harm the envied person. Jealousy involves three people; envy involves two.
Negative envy develops gradually rather than appearing in early childhood, especially in children who experience emotional or material deprivation. It signals dissatisfaction with oneself and low self-esteem. If it becomes a chronic, dominant feeling, it can turn into a lasting personality trait that sours relationships.
How to prevent it
- Listen, don't just talk. Many parents think talking to children is communication; it isn't unless they also listen. Draw out quieter children with questions.
- Give them words for feelings. Share how you felt in similar situations as a child, then ask, for example, how they felt when told they couldn't have a computer this year but their cousin already has one.
- Build empathy with questions like "How do you think your brother feels when you take his bike?"
- Use bedtime for talking about the day; it's relaxed and intimate.
- Don't judge or threaten ("you're a bad child," "God will punish you"). Guilt doesn't make envy go away. Instead, help them see the bigger picture: a friend with expensive clothes may not have a mom who listens or a grandma who bakes their favorite desserts.
- Help them value what they have while keeping open the possibility of getting what they want later.
- Stop comparing siblings. Instead of "Your notebooks are neater than your brother's," say "I like how neat your notebooks are." Instead of "Ana helps more than you," say "You could help more if you wanted."
- Treat each child as unique. Give each child individual time, buy each what they need rather than identical things, and praise each child's own strengths.
Envy is also learned from parents, so parents should check whether they harbor it themselves and work on their own self-esteem. That's the best example they can set.