Discovering a child's lie can shake the whole relationship: parents feel betrayed, stop trusting what they're told, and can't protect or guide a child who gives them false information. The challenge is to encourage honesty without aggression, while still allowing the child privacy and autonomy, and without making every small lie a federal case.
Parents' own lies. Parents often model lying ("If Aunt Rosita calls, say I'm not home"). Children conclude that if mom can do it, so can they. One 11-year-old asked why cheating on a school test was worse than his parents cheating on their taxes. Example isn't the only cause; fear of punishment, insecurity, low self-esteem and poor adjustment also play a part.
Fear of punishment
José Luis, nine, knocked his father's keyboard off the desk while sneaking a game on the computer he'd been told not to use alone, then denied it. He lied because he feared his father's anger. The author suggests the father ask calmly for help figuring out what happened, praise the child for telling the truth, then explain why the rule exists and ask the child to commit to it, expressing trust in his word. Children who feel trusted tend not to break promises. The emphasis should be on the right action, not the lie. When a lie surfaces, parents should ask whether their own past reactions made the child afraid. Confronting a broken rule with rage is venting, not teaching.
Low self-esteem and labels
How the question is asked matters. Instead of a harsh "Who broke the glass?", try "We shouldn't have left the glass where it was easy to knock over. Was it you or your sister? We need to be more careful with fragile things." Labels like "always," "never" or "careless" become part of the child's self-image, and the child acts accordingly. Point out the specific lapse and express confidence they'll do better.
Lying to impress. Teresita, seven, told her teacher an elaborate story about a fancy family wedding that never happened. The real issue was her need to be heard in a busy household with tired, working parents. Such stories shouldn't be ignored, though, because a child who keeps mixing fantasy and reality can begin to believe her own inventions, a habit some carry into adulthood.
Lying from shame
Clarita, five, wet her pants because she held it too long while playing, then blamed a wet chair. The real problem is her difficulty attending to her body's needs. When a lie hides shame, address the source of the shame rather than the lie, and don't punish it.
Why some children lie more than others
The author cites a Columbia University Teachers College study of about 11,000 children in 2nd–5th grade who were given chances to cheat, lie and take money. Forty-four percent cheated on tests, and more than 80% of those then lied about it; only about 20% confessed. Family income made no difference. Frequent liars tended to have other behavior problems (poor adjustment, petty theft, laziness, fighting, aggression, sometimes drug use). About 90% of the children who lied showed low self-esteem and poor communication with their parents, and rule-breaking was linked to inadequate discipline.
Note: The study figures are as reported by the author; I haven't verified them against the original research.